A few years back, a girl in a small group I attended read Brene Brown’s now infamous book on shame and vulnerability called “Daring Greatly.” My friend raved about it so much that slowly the book made its way around the group, until I was the only one left that hadn’t read it, as I confidently felt I had understood a significant amount about vulnerability. It took about another year for me finally to feel desperate enough in a dysfunctional relationship to read Brene’s book, and as expected, it destroyed my preconceived assurance in vulnerability and expanded my imagination of how I could experience connection.
A premise that stood out to me is that as humans, our deepest desire is to be known. Our ability to be known is often prevented by the ways we feel shame and cope with this emotion, by putting up barriers to being known- we prevent vulnerability at all costs. We assume that vulnerability will make us weaker, but instead in vulnerability, we find the connection to others we’ve always been searching for.
This revelation resonated with me deeply.
I had been seeking out connection, without understanding my own lack of vulnerability, or recognizing the lack of mutuality in those relationships where I had desired the most connection, and therefore shifted my expectations to a healthy reality.
I then moved overseas to be involved with ministry work in South Africa, where I discovered yet another group of Christians, desperate for connection, yet without a healthy understanding of vulnerability.
I found that my reiterating Brene’s research wasn’t sufficient enough to overcome the narrative that my friends were telling themselves. Chimamanda Ngozi also writes of the “danger of the single story”- how when we tell a single narrative of a persons experience, that is simply are the projections of stereotypes that reveal our narrow mindedness. I felt a connection between Chimamanda and Brene’s work, where I saw my friends putting writing a “single story” for themselves- in assuming they could never find connection based on whatever they felt most ashamed about, they withdrew from connection.
I didn’t know how to draw together these insights until I delved into the neurological research, compiled in the writings of Curt Thompson, into what is better known as the “soul of shame.”
Curt sees the possibility, based on neurological research, for us to rewire our brains, so that we can take ownership of retelling the stories we believe about ourselves.
Here are a few facts about shame to put into perspective how deeply it impacts our narratives:
- Shame is not something that infests only individuals. It is endemic in systems and any system run by it will seek to maintain its equilibrium. Shame will not share its authority (Thompson, “The Soul of Shame”, 146).
- Shame is an embodied (it is tangible- it affects our bodies, minds and spirits), therefore we need more than facts to undermine it. Healing shame will necessarily mean we act differently with our bodies (Thompson, “The Soul of Shame”, 147-8).
- Naming and despising shame, while liberating, will also necessarily reveal all who are actively responsible for propagating it. For example, whenever genuine acts of goodness evoke responses of distress, you can count on shame being at work, accusing those involved in good things, of their complicity. So when someone gets engaged, and their friends’ response is bitterness, that is actually the work of shame (Thompson, “The Soul of Shame”, 148).
Therefore, the conclusion of all of these brilliant minds, is our need for others. We must routinely engage in confessional communities where we can tell our life stories, reminding ourselves of the joy found in the practice of shame-free emotional nakedness. Shame would like nothing more than for us to believe we should be able to work out our problems on our own, to do our best at everything and limit our mistakes. Instead, it is important that we create a culture of vulnerability in both finding communities where we live out vulnerability, but also in the posture in which we engage these communities, which is by seeking to be life-long learners. “Acquiring knowledge depends on admitting that we do not know many things, that we need help from others in order to learn. Learning, in fact, is a declaration of vulnerability… as learners, we live as vulnerable creatures who need the presence of others in order for our education to foster an entirely panoply of new objects of goodness and beauty… it is challenging to create a culture of vulnerability that encourages curiosity in a world so wrapped up in shame. But curiosity is an important starting point.” (Thompson, “The Soul of Shame”, 161-2).
How do you take initiative for your growing in vulnerability? I would start with finding a community, where you are surrounded by other people wanting to be life-long learners with you. From there, I would encourage you to do these three things:
1. Watch these videos and reflect on how they impact how you view your story and understanding of vulnerability:
Brene Brown "The Power of Vulnerability" TedX Talk
Chimamanda Adichie "The Danger of a Single Story"
Curt Thompson "The Neurobiology of Shame"
2. Take a “shame inventory” (Thompson, “The Soul of Shame”, 139)
Using a 3x5 card and a pencil, throughout the day, any time that you encounter shame, make a mark on the card. The purpose is not to analyze what led to the shame or the larger story surrounding it. (that form of analyzing, ironically, tends to feed the shame cycle.) The purpose is to draw your attention to the fact that it has occurred. Shame would be happy for you to experience it without it taking any credit. Remember that shame shows up in multiple mental functions: sensations, images, feelings, thoughts and behaviors. The goal of this exercise is to become increasingly aware of shame’s activities as it presents itself in these various ways.
3. Write out your own autobiography, with these encouragements from Curt Thompson (Thompson, “Anatomy of the Soul”, 79-80):
“Writing out your life story on a piece of paper requires focused attention and enables you to think more slowly and deliberately than you would if you were typing. This helps activate your right hemisphere, which is correlated with nonverbal and implicit memory-feelings, sensations, images, and perceptions-that is connected to the memory you are writing about.
Inevitably, memories that you have not thought about for some time may surface as a result.
Of course, as you write by hand, you will also activate the left hemisphere, which processes information in a logical, linear fashion. This process of combining language (left mode) with visuospatial, nonverbal, implicit experience (right mode) causes neurons from the right and left hemispheres to synapse more robustly with each other. In other words, you foster the integration of your brain. Start by thinking of your earliest memory. After you have recorded that memory, continue writing as much as you can remember about the first decade of your life in as much detail as you can. Do not become overwhelmed by trying to write about later events. Also, do not be concerned about keeping everything in strict chronological order. Simply record what comes to your mind, paying close attention to describe sensations, feelings, images, colors, and the like-not just factual events. Then continue with your second and third decade, and so forth.
After you have written for a while, choose a trusted friend, pastor, priest, spiritual director, or counselor to whom you would be willing to read your story and who would be equally willing to ask you questions about what you think and feel about your narrative. Ask yourself, How did this experience of reading my narrative to a person I trust change what and how I remember and what I feel?
You may sense that this could be somewhat intimidating, exposing the most intimate details of your life to another, especially if you have never done this before. Essentially, you are entering into what Paul reflects in 1Corinthians13:12. You are making possible the experience of being known. As you construct your narrative, you're likely to discover that your implicit and explicit memories are being woven together in a way that makes more sense, especially as you experience someone else listening to you in an empathic manner. You will begin to connect implicit memory with the events that produced them. That, in turn, will lead to greater awareness of the true source of your deepest feelings.
Once you have read your narrative to a confidant, go back and reread what You have written, paying close attention to what you feel as you read. If other memories begin to surface, feel free to add them. Over time, as you believe you have exhausted what you remember from one decade, proceed on to the next. You will soon see the tapestry of your life weaving together in colors and textures you were unaware of.
If you do not remember many details from your early childhood, do not despair. As you begin this process of remembering, reflecting, and telling your story to others, you will activate neural networks that have been dormant, perhaps for many years. This process of remembering will begin to wake them up. This does not guarantee that you will eventually remember every detail. However, you are likely to become consciously aware of many more memories, which will enhance and change your memory of your past and so shift your anticipation of your future.
One final reminder, God's Word is a written record that affirms the importance of paying attention to memory-and not simply to facts and not in a way that allows our implicit memory free rein over our behavior. Even now, as modern science learns more about memory, Scripture reminds us that over three thousand years ago our ancestors were sure of what neuroscience is now confirming. For when we remember all of the benefits of the Lord-his forgiveness, healing, redeeming, crowning, satisfying, and renewing-in the fullness of our regenerated memories, our future, and the future of our children and of others with whom we are in relationship, will be changed.”
I hope that by taking initiative to change the narrative that you tell yourself, that you will experience the joy in finding a better connection with yourself and others!